Greatly Exaggerated
by Belphegor
Summary: Mavis Newkirk receives a telegram announcing the probable death of "Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk". Knowing her brother is 1) not an officer, 2) in possession of exactly one first name, and 3) nowhere near North Africa, she decides to set the War Office straight. Written for the 2018 Short Story Speedwriting Challenge.


**Author's note** : Turns out my muse is still alive! It was dormant for the past three/four years, but it's woken up and tapped me on the shoulder with this little story, which I hope you like.

 _Disclaimer: Do authors still do this? I'm seeing fewer and fewer disclaimers. I'm old school about this, so I'll state here that I don't own these characters (Albert Ruddy does), except those I created._

* * *

 **Greatly Exaggerated**

 _Whitehall, 10/5/1942  
To:_ Ms Mavis Newkirk

DEEPLY REGRET TO INFORM YOU STOP

LIEUTENANT PETER EDMUND JOSEPH NEWKIRK MIA STOP SHOT DOWN OVER EGYPT SEPTEMBER 28 PRESUMED DEAD STOP LETTER TO FOLLOW STOP

PRIME MINISTER EXPRESSES HIS SYMPATHY STOP

* * *

 **Stepney, 10/5/42**

Dear Peter,

I've just received a telegram from the War Office that says you died in Egypt. 'Letter to follow.' Please tell me you didn't mysteriously disappear from your Stalag in Germany only to get shot down over North Africa. (Seriously, answer me as soon as you can, I will need proof that you're alive so they don't write you off.)

Your name got confused with someone else's, a Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk. His family have probably no idea he's gone, poor man. Can you remind me what your serial number is? The papers I had were damaged last February when the pipes burst at Mrs Cunningham's upstairs after that air raid, and I think I'll need it.

I will write you a longer letter when I get back from Whitehall. Hopefully I can set this straight before I have to make funeral arrangements.

All my love,

Mavis

*.*.*

Dear Peter,

I cannot believe it – they did ask me for proof that you're alive! The man I talked to seemed to believe I was five years old, the way he talked at me with his nose. I'll eat my good dress if that pompous nob has ever been anywhere but the West End. It looks like the only thing that will convince him that there has been a mix-up is you walking up to him and saying you're alive. Which I hope you'll be able to do very soon, but in the meantime, there has to be something I can do.

I did promise you a longer letter, didn't I? I hope they won't redact it as much as they did your last one. I suspect it was mainly because they couldn't read your handwriting, though, because some of the blanks were oddly placed.

Life goes on here, as much as it can without you and so many other people. I found Sally crying in the loo at work the other day. Her Arnie was reported missing in [ _illegible, crossed out_ ] action. Is it awful to be relieved that you, at least, are safe, even if it's in prison? I know I could hardly sleep at night if you really were in North Africa. I don't sleep enough as it is.

Remember Mrs Cohen, who lived a few years in France before her wedding? I asked her about that weird stew you told me about in your last letter, and she said it's delicious. Or supposed to be, I reckon, with the right ingredients. Don't be too mean to your Frenchman. At least I know someone's keeping you well fed, even if he is a Frenchman. I wish I could send you proper English food, but Nina said the biscuits and whatnot she sends to her Sean often get filched on the way.

Please be careful.

All my love,

Mavis

(PS: Milly sends her love. Last week it was Nellie.)

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/8/42**

Memo from the desk of Leon Finlay-Smith, Esq., Directorate of Prisoners of War, Department of the Adjutant-General

 _Finlay-Smith—_

 _I think there's been another cock-up in death notifications. Some Cockney girl showed up in my office the other day, said something about her brother being a prisoner in Germany, not shot over Egypt. Could you check if there's a Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk in one of their Oflags?_

 _Baynes_

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/12/42**

Memo from the desk of Charles Baynes, Esq., Directorate of Organisation, Department of Personnel

 _Charles, for God's sake. Not another one._

 _I checked, and there's no record of any officer of that name among our POWs, in Germany or elsewhere. Are you sure you got the name right? At least this time it's not the Under-Secretary of State's nephew getting news that he's dead while on his honeymoon. You gave everyone a good laugh that day, I tell you._

 _Finlay-Smith_

* * *

 _The War Office, Whitehall, 15_ _th_ _October 1942_

Miss,

In confirmation of War Office telegram of the 5th of October, 1942, I am directed to inform you, with regret, that a notification has been received that your brother, Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk, Royal Air Force, was reported missing in action, presumed dead, on the 28th of September, 1942.

No further information is available at the moment, but all possible inquiries are being made and any further information received by our Department will be sent to you immediately. Should you receive any communication from your brother, or should news of him reach you from any other source, will you kindly notify this Office, and at the same time forward any card or letter you may receive from him, which will be returned to you after inspection.

In the meantime I am to ask you to be good enough to notify this Office of any change of your address.

I am, Miss,

Your obedient servant,

C. Baynes, Esq.

* * *

 **Stepney, 10/17/42**

To C. Baynes, War Office, Whitehall

Dear Sir, I have the honour to refer to the letter I received on October 16th, in which you informed me officially that my brother Peter Newkirk had been reported missing in action. I am positive that there has been a mistake. My brother is a RAF corporal, has only one first name (Peter), and has been a prisoner in Luft Stalag 13C since July 1940. I have written him for his serial number, which I do not have in my house, and will forward his reply to you in the hope that it is returned to me soon.

Please notify the family of Lieutenant Newkirk, who has all my sympathy. I do hope he is found soon.

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient servant,

Mavis Newkirk (Clerk, ATS, army number W/25812)

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/20/1942**

Miss Newkirk,

I regret to inform you that I will need more than simply your word that your brother is not Lieutenant Peter Newkirk. This is a complicated administrative matter and I will thank you not to complicate it further.

C. Baynes, Esq.

* * *

 **Stepney, 10/22/42**

Dear Sir,

I have the honour to refer to the matter of Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk and my brother Corporal Peter Newkirk. There has been an error, as my brother is not missing in action. I know exactly where he is, and hopefully so do your services.

I don't have to remind you that, if my brother is declared dead, the backpay he is entitled to when the war is over will be cut. Please do what is necessary to correct this mistake.

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient servant,

Mavis Newkirk (Clerk, ATS, army number W/25812)

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/29/1942**

Miss Newkirk,

I will be looking into the matter.

Please do not come to my office again.

C. Baynes

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/30/42**

Memo from the desk of Charles Baynes, Esq., Directorate of Organisation, Department of Personnel

 _What's this I hear? Your office plagued by angry Cockney girls? I hope she's pretty, at least. Sounds like she made an impression, at any rate._

 _Finlay-Smith_

* * *

 **Whitehall, 10/30/42**

Memo from the desk of Leon Finlay-Smith, Esq., Directorate of Prisoners of War, Department of the Adjutant-General

 _Finlay-Smith—_

 _Do not even joke about that. Maynard said the girl argued with him for half an hour straight, then just took a chair and glared at him. She waited for me for four hours until office closed and porters had to remove her from the premises – and then she came back the next day. Now Maynard needs a cup of tea every time someone drops an 'h'._

 _Could you search for a Corporal Peter Newkirk in Germany? In case she's telling the truth. I think she's trying to get money out of the whole thing, though. She did mention her brother's backpay in one of her blasted letters._

 _Baynes_

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/02/1942**

Miss Newkirk,

I have the honour to refer you to Mr Leon Finlay-Smith, Esq., Directorate of Prisoners of War, Department of the Adjutant-General, War Office, for all further dealings.

C. Baynes, Esq.

* * *

 **Stepney, 11/04/42**

Dear Sir,

I have the honour to refer to a matter concerning my brother Peter Newkirk, Corporal in the Royal Air Force. I have received a letter from the War Office saying Lieutenant Peter Edmund Joseph Newkirk, whom I think was mistaken for my brother, was reported missing in action over Egypt in September. My brother Peter was captured by the Germans in July 1940 and has been held ever since in Luft Stalag 13C, Hammelburg, Bavaria, Germany. He has never set foot in North Africa.

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient servant,

Mavis Newkirk (Clerk, ATS, army number W/25812)

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/06/42**

Memo from the desk of Charles Baynes, Esq., Directorate of Organisation, Department of Personnel

 _Baynes, you weasel._

 _Finlay-Smith_

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/06/42**

Miss Newkirk,

There indeed appears to be some kind of irregularity. I promise that I will do my utmost to correct this mistake. Let nobody say that our Office has done an injustice to one of our brave servicemen and his family.

I am, Miss Newkirk,

Your obedient servant,

Leon Finlay-Smith

* * *

 **Stepney, 11/10/42**

Dear Peter,

I hope you're not really dead, in North Africa or elsewhere. I'm serious – you're in for such an earful if you die.

I haven't received anything from you yet, but letters seem to take an awfully long time to arrive, sometimes, don't they? Remember your first birthday card? I sent it two weeks in advance, and you still got it a couple of weeks late! And then this summer I got an answer from you two weeks after you sent it. The Post Office used to make sense before the war.

Sorry, I'm babbling. After a month of trying to convince the War Office that you're not dead, I'm almost starting to need convincing myself. At least I'm used to writing letters to the War Office – I use the right words and everything. I even had Annie Meyer (remember her? She's a teacher at St Agnes) check my spelling, that's how nervous those toffs make me. I'm not giving up, though. This is too important.

They found Arnie's body last week. Sally is a wreck, poor soul. She didn't show up at work the day after she was notified and only come back the next day. Nobody said anything, though; our officers understand, and we're short-staffed as it is.

This is not a very cheerful letter, is it? I'm sorry you're so far away. I miss you, you big prat. Come back alive.

All my love,

Mavis

(PS: Maisie sends her love. I may need a chart to keep track of all your sweethearts and the ones that swore never to see you again. I swear one of these days I'll introduce her to Milly and Nellie for a laugh – but then you might want to stay in Germany, so… I probably won't.)

* * *

 **Stalag XIII, Germany, 10/27/42** ** _(letter received 11/14/42)_**

Dear Mavis – and whoever will probably read this –

I am not dead! Seriously, I'm not.

Corporal Peter Newkirk, RAF, serial number 867512.

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/16/42**

Dear Miss Newkirk,

We have received the letter from Corporal Newkirk which you forwarded to our Office. Consider the matter cleared up. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

Your servant,

Leon Finlay-Smith, Esq.

* * *

 **Stalag XIII, Germany, 10/27/42** **(letter received 11/17/42)**

Dear Mavis,

I hope the previous letter was proof enough that I haven't kicked the bucket yet. Although the thought of someone thinking I was an officer came bloody close – the very idea! The guys in the barracks had a right laugh about that. I guess it would be sort of funny if some bloke wasn't, you know, missing and probably dead. Which reminds me, I hope they find Arnie alive. Don't get me wrong, I know what we're fighting for, but the thought of decent guys like Arnie dying all over the place… Makes me wish the bloody Germans would just surrender and stop murdering everybody. That's probably not going to happen for a while, though, the way things are. (I know my handwriting's not pretty, but as long as you can read it and the redactors can't, there's a chance they don't redact the things they should.)

I'm not mean to anyone, it's just teasing! You should see what LeBeau cooks, though. Or hear what it's called. I'm sure he makes up half of it. I thought of asking Kinch, but he'd probably laugh. Still, it's not so bad, especially compared to what they call food in the mess hall. But it's not home.

Please don't say anything to Milly (or Maisie and Nellie, for that matter). It's not what you think. I'll explain when I come home, but if you want your big brother back alive and well, do not mention Milly and Nellie to Maisie. And maybe you shouldn't mention me to Nora Fraser at all. We didn't exactly part on good terms.

Thanks for looking out for me. Wish I could do the same for you.

All my love,

Peter

* * *

 _Whitehall, 11/24/1942  
To:_ Ms Mavis Newkirk

PLEASED TO INFORM YOU STOP

LIEUTENANT PETER EDMUND JOSEPH NEWKIRK FOUND STOP WOUNDED BUT ALIVE STOP WILL BE REPATRIATED PRESENTLY STOP

LETTER TO FOLLOW STOP

* * *

 **Stepney, 11/26/42**

 _To Mr C. Baynes, Esq._

Dear Sir,

I have the honour to refer to the telegram I received on the 24th of November, concerning Lieutenant Newkirk being found alive. I hope you notify his actual family soon.

Do not make me come back to Whitehall.

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient servant,

Mavis Newkirk (Clerk, ATS, army number W/25812)

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/30/1942**

Memo from the desk of Charles Baynes, Esq., Directorate of Organisation, Department of Personnel

 _I finally found your mysterious Lieutenant Newkirk. He hails from Surrey. I'll send you a more complete address with his wife's name this afternoon._

 _Did I really see your secretary run past my office the other day? What happened, Cockney girl came back?_

 _Finlay-Smith_

* * *

 **Whitehall, 11/31/1942**

Memo from the desk of Leon Finlay-Smith, Esq., Directorate of Prisoners of War, Department of the Adjutant-General

 _Finlay-Smith—_

 _Thank you for the address._

 _I never want to hear the name 'Newkirk' again._ _Ever_ _._

 _Baynes_

THE END

* * *

I can't believe I couldn't write anything – complete, I mean – for three years! Keeping my fingers crossed for this streak to continue…

Notes:

 _Directorate of Prisoners of War, Department of the Adjutant-General_ : this was a real department of the British War Office, but –  
 _Directorate of Organisation, Department of Personnel_ : this was not. I made it up.  
The "In confirmation of War Office telegram" letter is taken almost verbatim from an official letter.

I hope you enjoyed the story in spite of the odd format :o)


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